It Is Okay To Love Her

So often I give people the benefit of the doubt.  I make excuses for their behavior and go easy on them.  This probably doesn’t apply to all the drunk college kids I pick up with the ambulance on the weekends, but in general, I give people a pass.  When they snap at me or seem out of sorts, I think to myself that they must be going through something and I give them a break.

I never do that with you.  I expect one hundred percent from you, one hundred percent of the time.  There is no excuse for laziness or bad choices.  I’m hard on you.  Because I know you’re capable of so much more than you’re letting yourself have.  And frankly, it pisses me off when you sell yourself short.  I know that you can dig deeper and go farther.

Sometimes, I understand your choices.  I get that life is sticky and isn’t without its challenges and that sometimes you just need to sit back and catch your breath.  I’m all for staying fresh and avoiding the roller coaster of stress and mayhem that the daily grind can cause.

It’s when you choose not to start again that really makes me angry.  It’s only when your “break” or “treat” turns into weeks and weeks off course that really hurt my heart.  You are so much better than that.  And I am ALWAYS surprised when it happens.

You’re visibly happier when you’re treating yourself well.  Your insides are working and your head is clear.  Your outlook on the world is damn near chipper.  You’re able to sleep.  You’re actually kind of annoying when you feel healthy and I love that about you.

I love that your laughter is infectious and that, of everyone I know, you tend to giggle at the most socially inappropriate times. I love that you have plans.  For the first time in probably forever, you have a clear goal of what you want and who you want to be.  That’s awesome and exciting!  And I love the drive you’re showing in spite of how absolutely terrified you feel.  The outside world never sees you sweat it.  You exude confidence without being fake.  You admit your fears, but you press on anyway and focus on the positive.  I love that about you.

So, can you understand why I get so upset when you sabotage your authentic self?  That sounds a little too self-help book, I know.  But you are this…this….LIFE FORCE, and you keep squelching it.  You keep tampering it down and I can’t understand why.

Are you afraid of success?  Are you afraid that if you go for it, if you accomplish everything you want, if you wake up one day and find that you’re not wanting for anything…that means you have a lot to lose?  Or will “having it all” mean that you have nothing else to strive for and THAT is what freaks you out?

Let me assure you, there will ALWAYS be something else to shoot for.  There will always be another goal to work towards and another dream on the horizon.  It’s what life is all about.  It’s how you’re supposed to live.  You’re supposed to constantly be looking for ways to improve yourself and the world you live in.  THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT.  So don’t let the fear of reaching a goal scare you.

It’s okay to get what you want.  It’s okay to be blessed.  You deserve it.

Is that it?  You’ve always had trouble with the word “deserve”.  Who are we to say one person is entitled to goodness and another person isn’t?

Know this.  If you work for it, it’s okay that you have it.  If you put in the time and energy needed to reach a goal, CELEBRATE when you get there.  Don’t let the fact that not everyone has the same drive and devotion you do rain on your party.  If everyone else applies themselves, they’ll reach their goals, too.  You can only be held accountable for your actions.  You are only responsible for this one life.  Everything else…everyone else…isn’t in your control.  So don’t hold yourself back because you think others will feel bad in light of your successes.

You have it in you and you know that.  But sometimes I think you consciously try to grow stagnant.  You’ll be on a winning streak and then hit the brakes because you’re starting to feel really good about who you are as a person and you get a little weird when you start actually LIKING yourself.  You’re not used to that.  You’re not used to being comfortable and liking (dare I say loving?) who you are.  You’ve had self-esteem and self-image issues since you were in utero, after all.  So when you find yourself falling in love with someone who you had deemed so unworthy for the whole of your life, it’s bound to throw you for a loop.

But now that I’ve told you all of this…you can’t say that you didn’t know.  You can’t wonder anymore why you wrestle with yourself.  You know now.  You can’t claim ignorance.  Your motives aren’t hidden anymore.  I’ve shined the light on them and now there they are.

So stop it.  Stop the back and forth.

Go ahead and be your own definition of incredible.  It’s okay to feel good about yourself and it’s okay to invest in yourself.  I wish everyone could feel that about themselves.

So go ahead and show them how.

You’re Welcome

She Has Trouble Acting Normal When She’s Nervous

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been waking up after three or four hours of sleep and then staying awake.  I mean, I eventually fall asleep again, but unfortunately sleep will find me during a test or in the middle of a conversation with my roommate.  It’s fun.

This morning I woke up around 3AM.  The pattern I’ve established is that I toss and turn while thinking about nine million different things, all seemingly unrelated.  Of course, I know that all things in life are related to the other and stress in one area may very well lead to stress in every other area.  Right?  Or am I just talking crazy because of lack of sufficient REM sleep cycles?  Yeah.  Probably that second one.

November has been an Off The Charts flavor of ridiculous.  I’ve been thinking about what direction this website should be taking.  I started it as a way to chart my progress on living a fit and healthy life.  I know!  I’m gasping and choking back laughter even as I sit here!  Then it sort of morphed into this place to write about the STRUGGLES of trying to live a healthy and fit life in the midst of…well, my unhealthy and lazy lifestyle.  It became a place to celebrate my successes and lament my failures.  But then, dude, the failures TOTALLY started outweighing (pun absolutely intended) the victory stories and then this blog became a virtual version of an oil change.  I just avoided it and ignored it until absolutely necessary.

I thought of ending it all.  Just deleting this blog and turning it into vapor.  It wouldn’t be like quitting, I told myself.  It’s not as if there is anyone out there who REALLY is depending on my words.

Except myself.  Me.  I depend on my words.  I am the one who finds an outlet by writing.  I’m the one who gets a little twitchy and weird and awkward if a few days go by and I haven’t written anything.  The weeks-long gaps in this blog are extremely uncomfortable for me.  Which is odd, because I know that I can make it better, but I choose not to.

If you have a blog, I’m sure you’ve gone through the whole dramatic scene of scrutinizing content and trying like hell to find something worthy of writing about.  I’m sure you’ve struggled with the knowledge that your blog is YOURS and therefore you know that whatever you want to write about is okay.  You’re totally the boss.  But then you start to get a few regular readers and it feels like now, you have an audience and this isn’t just a journal and you have a responsibility to entertain.  Dance, monkey, dance!

And as a blog READER, you know that you’ll keep coming back to blogs you love, not necessarily for the streamlined content and witty ramblings (although that certainly helps), but for the relationship you start to feel with the author.  I read a lot of websites that jump around from topic to topic depending on what the writer’s life is like on any given day.  I go back because I’m curious.  I go back because, frankly, it’s all about me.  I feel better about myself when I read some websites.  There are some blogs that inspire me, make me laugh, make me feel something other than freaked out about school and money…which seem to be my common themes of the last month.

So, if you’re reading my blog for you–awesome and thanks.  If you’re reading my blog because you feel you have some sort of kinship with me–you’re probably right.  We are all much more alike than we realize.  We all want the same things.  Love, friendship, and a sense of belonging.  I hope my voice speaks to you on some level and I hope I either make you laugh or make you think or just manage to take your mind off of the daily grind for a while.  If I don’t do any of those things…then what in the hell are you doing here?  Shoo!  Go find a website that is at least a tiny bit fulfilling!

I’m not going to delete this because I’ve “failed” at the original direction of the blog.  I’m going to keep coming here and writing about what’s going on in my life…for me.  And whatever path the website makes for itself, I’ll just follow along.  It will most likely never fit into a neat category like Mommyblogger or Foodie Blog or Health Blog or Fitness Blog.  I will never have a panel at BlogHer.  And I’m okay with that.  That was never my intention, anyway, but it’s so easy to get sucked up into all of it.

I’m going to keep writing because there are people out there like myself.  People who don’t have a clear-cut path from the current to the future.  There are a lot of us who struggle and plod along, starting new endeavors and then realizing that we’ve changed our mind.  So we stop and take stock and choose a new path.  It looks like we’re quitters.  Maybe we are sometimes, but there are so many other times when we just don’t want to waste our time simply for the sake of finishing.  Showing up for life and finishing what you’ve started is important…so maybe I just tell myself that it’s okay not to because I want to let myself off the hook.

How is it possible to be a perfectionist and a sloth all at once?

I’m in pain.  I can’t sleep.  I am overwhelmed with the facets of life I’ve chosen.  I’ve lost perspective.  Every little thing seems like the end of the world.  Every decision seems to weigh five hundred pounds.

I’m struggling.  With nearly everything.

I’m Sorry Now, But I Don’t Know How…To Get It Back To Good

There are so many things that I do not know.  I do not know, for instance, I’ve made a mistake by entering into a relationship that may very well be doomed from the start.  I do not have any idea when the weather is going to get Christmas-like and make me want to walk down the snow-covered streets in my quaint town and browse from shop to shop, sampling free hot chocolates and homemade cookies baked by the shop owners.  (Yes, I live in that kind of town.)

I also do not know if my beloved Mr. Tiggs is going to make to Christmas.  I struggle with this from one moment to the next and work very hard at not crying to people when I talk about it.  I do not know my financial future.  I had a plan, a very solid plan, indeed.  But the course of academics that must be taken will dictate most everything else in my life for the next two years.

I do not know if the ladies at the bank will exchange knowing glances when I breeze through the door or if they will greet me with loud hello’s and high five’s as they presently do.  The Universe hasn’t gotten back to me yet on the status of my car.  Will she make it this next two years?  Can she make it until the end of school?

I do not know where the money will come from, I do not know who will live or die, and I do not know the future.

But I do know this:

After a day of bone scans and x-rays and all things left foot related, I have been freed from that ugly ankle boot.  It has taken it’s restful spot in the back of my closet and I hope not to see him ever again—-well, maybe on moving day.  I’m keeping him because I know me…and I can never know when I’ll be needing his support again someday.

I know that after all of the appointments, and work missed, and low emotional states, and even LOWER paychecks, and the high bills to follow—-I KNOW—-that I’m okay.  I’m totally fine.  I’m functioning!  I can walk on two feet.  I can kick them in the air.  Although I’m not allowed to run on them until mid-January and no long walks until after Christmas.  But I can get to the gym and ride the bikes.

And so I will.  I will ride those bikes and I’ll lift the weights.  Because the weight that was gone came back.  Because I ate and ate and ate until I was sick and tired.  Do you know why?  Of course, you do!  We eat to get to that state because when we are so stuffed to our gills it means that we can’t THINK anymore.  And not thinking is the goal sometimes.

But….now when I have things that I’m not ready to process or think through or deal with, I can take it out on an exercise bike.

I about cried when the doctor lifted all of the restrictions on my physical activity.  And then when I did the math and realized that through the missed work shifts and doctor visits and radiology appointments and nuclear medicine test….This bum foot probably cost  me well over 1, 500 dollars.  So that is still a bit frustrating.

No worries.  I’ll take it out on the bike tomorrow.

I am back.  I can’t promise passion and authority.  But I can promise you a smile here and there, some floundering and frustrations, as well as some opinions that may change the way you look at me.  Basically all the stuff you came here for in the first place.

Maybe Someday

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, ladies!  It still surprises me that people read this site.

A month ago Dawn and I went to a Rob Thomas concert.  I’ve been a stalker fan of his since the Matchbox Twenty/Push/3AM days.  His song writing is pretty great and he’s cute to look at.  The video below is from his new album Cradlesong.  This song is the second one from that album that spoke to my soul.  It seems fitting for everything in my head today.

I hope you like it.

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

Maybe someday
We’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday
We’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
Try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away
Then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

I don’t wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
But tell it to me slow

Maybe someday
We’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now

Sometimes we don’t
Really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should
Start all over
Start all over again

Don’t Look At Me

I’ve been avoiding you.

This is what happened.  I made a decision not to run a race that I had signed up for MONTHS in advance and therefore had MONTHS to prepare for it.  I didn’t run.  I didn’t show up. 

I was forced to sit up and take notice and WONDER about why I didn’t train.  And I’ve been avoiding you because…I haven’t come up with the answer.  I don’t know why I made those choices. 

Not being able to find the answer lead to frustration.  Not the outward kind that you can name and point at and write down and work through, but the deep hot underbelly flavor of frustration that boils and festers and eventually oozes out of your subconscious and creeps ever so quietly through your blood vessels until every single cell in your body is alive with doubt and anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts that haunt your insides.

On the outside, I was all smiles and high fives.  My stage act was so convincing that even I would forget that I was deeply frustrated with myself.  I would forget about the Choosing Not To Train puzzle until I was at the bottom of a bag of chips or sleeping for thirteen hours.  Then I’d remember…

So then a few weeks go by.  And it’s become obvious that I need to sort some stuff out.  And the most insane part of everything is that I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED TO SORT OUT. 

It started with the not training…but is that really all there is?  Could that really have led to three whole weeks of not just eating but CRAVING with animalistic desires every single thing that is unhealthy and over-processed? 

I’m stuffing something down with food.  I’m trying to shut up some part of me.  Is it really only about trying to understand my motives regarding the race? 

Have you ever seen a cop show on television?  The suspect is taken into a room with a two way mirror and is watched from the other side.  I feel like I’m on both sides of that pane of glass.  One side is me eating and laughing and stuffing myself with sugar and salt and fat.  I look happy.  And on the other side is me yelling and pleading and begging the other me to STOP.  She’s upset and crying because it hurts too much.  She’s pounding on the glass but I can’t hear her over the loud television and the crunching of potato chips. 

All I have to do is break that pane of glass and get ahold of myself.  I just have to figure out how.

Just Checking In

It’s been a little while since I’ve mentioned weight loss or BlogapaLOSEa because I wasn’t sure if the contest was still going on or what.  After emailing one of the people in charge I have been assured that, yes, the game is still on.  Sweet.  Because I lost 5.1 pounds last week.  Although, after two weeks of gaining….this only means that I’m right back where I started at the beginning of October.  But, hey!  I’m still in this!  And I’ll happily report a small loss rather than a gain on my Pounds From The Past page.

So what’s new with you guys?  How has October been for you?