Pavlov Would Be Proud

The assignment this week for the Challenge was actually harder than some of the previous ‘homework’ that consisted of food and exercise.  I had to use my brain and heart and imagine my future.  Internet, soul work is difficult.  Write it down.

A list of goals and rewards may not seem like it takes much in the way of soul searching and I suppose that’s true.  It’s only when I really sat down and thought about what reaching those goals would look like that I got a little overwhelmed.  I guess I should mention that I also teared up at an Oreo commercial last night.  Something hormonal is going on.  More on that tomorrow!  (I wasn’t upset because I couldn’t have Oreos.  It was much more stupid.  It was that Oreo commercial where the little boy and the dad are dunking a cookie and the dad says ‘goodnight, son’ and the little boy says ‘good morning, dad’—because the dad is in another country on business.  Or maybe because divorce, how are we to know?  Either way…so sad.  At least it was last night.)

When I was making this list, I had to think about what I would look like and FEEL LIKE at my goal…and hitting all the mini-goals from here to there.  Add the natural feelings of pride and fear with the other hormones and whatnot travelling through my blood stream this week…and you get one mess of a Jen sitting on her couch this morning.

Of course I want to get there!  I want to hit 155 and start searching for diamond earrings so that I will always have a reminder of how awesome I am for turning my health around.  I want to have to contemplate skin surgery to remove the excess from my stomach, thighs, and upper arms.  What fat girl doesn’t want that?!

But as I shrink, I’ll also have to deal with people treating me differently.  I’ll have to deal with people looking at me because I’m attractive.  (Hoo boy, you KNOW I will be!)  I’ll have to deal with all sorts of self-esteem and self-worth issues that are currently buried under the blubber.

It’s easy to be a confident fat girl.  My brain and my humor always win.  Who cares what I look like?  I make people laugh and I know the answers to questions.  I don’t have to worry about romantic entanglements getting in the way of my life because, frankly, no one is knocking.  My heart doesn’t have to go pitter-pat.  I can focus on school and work.

If you take the extra weight out of my life equation then I have so many new roads to navigate.  I could start dating.  I could go rock climbing.  I could do anything!

I know that I could do all these things now.  But I don’t.  I let the weight stop me.  Which is why LOSING the weight strips me of all excuses to sit on the sidelines of life.  SCARY.  I won’t have an excuse anymore.  That’s a sobering thought and it also makes me sad that I’ve let myself use this extra girth as a free pass out of really LIVING.

Anyway…the list!!

215—-I get a heart monitor attachment for my Garmin Forerunner 405.  It’s the only component missing.

205—-60 minute massage.  I reserve the right to get a 30 minute here or there for no reason other than I want one.

195—-SPA DAY!  Massage, facial, manicure, pedicure.  This is an expensive treat, but it’s not only a 10 pound loss reward but also the reward for reaching the 100s!

185—-New jeans.  Because I’ll be beyond needing them by this point.  But until then, I’ll be getting jeans/clothes at Goodwill.

175—-90 minute massage.  There is a salon here that offers them for THAT LONG.  That seems like a long time to be getting rubbed.  I imagine I’ll be like jellyfish when the time is up and slither to my car.

165—-Two new outfits, complete with shoes!  We’re talking fancy outfits.  See, I’m normally a t-shirt and frumpy pants girl.  So I want fitted jeans and fitted tops and shiny shoes.  Similar to how they dress women on those makeover shoes.  What Not To Wear.  I’ve seen one episode that managed to brainwash me.

155—-GOAL!  Diamond earrings, baby.  In all the relationships I’ve had this is one gift I’ve never received.  I’m glad.  I want to buy them for myself but I just needed a REASON.  I think losing 80lbs warrants some new bling.

There.  Challenge completed, Amy!  Sign me up for two bonus points!

Tomorrow I’m going to unveil some amazing news.  FIFTEEN years in the making!

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2 Responses

  1. 15 years in the making! Whoa baby! Can’t wait!!!

  2. You have a great attitude with this entry! Good luck! 🙂

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