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War Of The Worlds

Dear Nine-Days-From-31-Years-Old Body,

WTF, my darling?  I know that math has never been my strong suit but according to my calculations, you should be dropping at least two pounds a week.  I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but during the month of July you managed to let go of a whopping 1.5 pounds.  That’s unsavory yet excusable because I did eat loads of crap for 10 days in there.  I can handle that.  But I’ve kept you on the wagon for a couple of weeks now and you weigh pretty much the same.  Get a calculator, body!!  Do the math because your figuring is just wrong.  Well, according to Jillian Michaels and The Daily Plate, anyway. 

Also, what is with the aches and pains?  You were FINE all year long and suddenly you see the 31st year approaching and you’re all, OH GOD MY JOINTS.  I could barely move when I got out of bed this morning.  My muscles were quivering all day yesterday and I had to utilize the handicap rails in the bathroom at the movie theater in order to take a proper pee.  Not cool, body.  Not.  Cool.

Now, look.  I know we’re both getting older.  I’m getting better, sharper, more in tune to my needs and desires.  More goal oriented.  Frankly, I’m getting fabulous.  And I’m NOT leaving you behind.  Because while having an amazing mind is great, it’s even better if one has an amazing body to go with it.  I’m not asking you to be a supermodel.  Honey, those days are gone.  I’m just asking you to COOPERATE.  Maybe run a marathon before we both die.  Take a vacation and climb a mountain.  Or maybe just a steep hill?  C’mon, babe.  We can do this.  Just don’t give up on me now.

I won’t give up on you, either.  I’ll continue to do what I’m doing.  Maybe you’re just being stubborn.  Lord knows I can be stubborn.  You’ll give up the pounds and the pains eventually.  And when you do, I’ll be your biggest fan.

Love,

Your Mind

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2 Responses

  1. Excellent post!

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