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Note To Self: Do Not Post At 3am.

So much going on inside my head that I’m not even sure how to organize it all.  I suppose I’ll purge it onto the page and see if I can rearrange it then.

School starts on Thursday.  Two years of constant academics with a winter break here and there.  Next week is Welcome Week at The University Of Iowa.  I’m not going there now, but I was there in the fall of 1996.  A nervous freshman girl so unsure of herself and her choices.  I’m still unsure of myself today but I’m a bit more convinced that the choices I’m making are the right ones. 

I look back on my time at the UofI and my heart throbs at all the options I never took advantage of.  There was so much more I could have been and could have done with my years there.

One thing I HAVE learned about myself, however, is that I am my own worst enemy and critic.  I need to be my biggest fan, right?  How does one go about that?  Because right now, every time I look back to the past I see myself as foolish and wasteful.  I look back and marvel at how I ever thought I was unattractive when I weighed 160 pounds.  I wonder how I could have possibly slept through college courses and let the opportunity to have a bachelor’s degree by the age of 21 slip out of reach. 

When I look back all I see is wasted time.  That can’t be good, right?

I wasted time hating myself and holding my body to an impossible standard of perfection.  I wasted time sleeping away whole months worth of time above ground. 

I’m trying to figure out how to forgive myself for these sins.  How to let go of what could have been, might have been, and focus on WHAT IS RIGHT NOW.  I mean, in theory, it’s easy.  I get up in the morning and take full advantage of the day.  But then I get lost in taking advantage in the correct way.  Am I doing it wrong?  I easily trip over myself trying to do things perfectly.  And, of course, it’s never perfect and then I get frustrated and angry at myself for being so goddamned inept at the simple task of living that I throw up my hands, flop on the couch and take a nap.

Have you ever seen this flavor of crazy?  I’m trapped in my head.

But I mostly wanted to write a post because I was really tired of bringing up this page and seeing dog testicles.

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2 Responses

  1. I think you are forgiving yourself for the past by trying to be so good to yourself in the present. “hindsight is 20-20” also “never forget where you come from” 🙂
    You could not be who you are today and appreciate it without going thru all the other crap. Love ya babe!

  2. Darling!

    You are your own leading lady of your life! And we’re not talking Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest either.

    I do need to know, though, do you have any wire hangers in your closet?

    Hearts!

    -jafg

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