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Work It Out

My stomach hurts.

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I picked up the phone.  I’m not sure what I was feeling.  Something was missing or stressed or worn out.  It was a phone call made out of emotion rather than hunger.  I wasn’t really that hungry.  But I ordered a cheese pizza.  And a large order of cheese curds with ranch dressing dip.  I washed it down with soda.  I sat on the couch and dove into the food.  I ate so fast.  Probably because I didn’t want to take a minute to stop and think about what I was doing.  I didn’t want to think about the consequences.  Whatever was inside me that propelled this binge, I didn’t want to face it or think about it or deal with it.  I wanted to kill it with food and suffocate the feelings, stomp them way down deep so I wouldn’t have to FEEL.

I’m still not sure what I was feeling that was so uncomfortable.  Even as I sit here, contemplating and looking over the day’s events…I still don’t know WHY I made that phone call tonight.

And maybe that is the most frustrating thing about this weight loss.  I’m not able to get to the root of my reasons.  Why do I order the pizzas?  Why do I turn off my brain when I eat?  Why do I plan binges and feel as if I’m getting away with something when I eat a pan of brownies?

Tonight on the Biggest Loser, Jill was talking about how she likes to get inside the contestant’s heads and bring up old wounds in order to make them deal with their issues that lead to overeating.  I was left wanting more from Julio during that segment, but at the same time I understood why he wasn’t getting it.  He said he was happy.  Jillian countered back, saying there was no way he weighed 407 pounds and was happy.  He said he had a wife and kids and loved life.  She disagreed.  But I tended to believe him.  He said he just loved food.  That was all it was.

I love food, too.  But even THAT isn’t what made me binge big tonight and choose to go over my calorie limit almost every day this week.  It wasn’t because I love food.  It was because of something else…but I need help in figuring it out.  I need you guys.

Last week I weighed 219.4.  I was elated to be so close to my first goal/reward (check the Goals/Rewards page for more on that).  I was excited.  And I know there was a part of me, I’m certain there was a moment–a twinge–of fear when I realized that I was in the 210s instead of the 220s for the first time in a very long time.

What in the hell am I so afraid of?  What makes me so scared that I would CHOOSE to gain weight this week?  Why am I making this so hard on myself?

Why am I choking myself with food?

I believe there is a payoff to every behavior in our life.  If you are unhappy in life and you choose to stay that way…there is a reason.  What am I getting out of being fat?

If I’m fat and I don’t get asked out on dates, I know why.  But what if I lose all the weight and STILL don’t get approached by anyone?  Then what is the reason?  What’s wrong with me then?  Is that the fear that keeps the pizza place on speed dial?

I don’t know.  I need some sort of help in figuring out my psyche when it comes to this area.  All I know for sure is that my stomach is sick and I managed to let myself down and break my own heart tonight.  I’m not proud.  But I am facing it.  I guess that’s something, right?  This side of six months ago I would have simply taken something to help me sleep and started all over again the next day.  Instead, I got out of bed because of the pain and started writing to you guys.

The weigh day for BlogapaLOSEa is tomorrow.  I know I’m up.  And I know this because I failed miserably at NOT weighing myself all week.  This is how it went:

Two days of doing great bypassing the scale instead of jumping on it every time it was in eyesight.  Then I caved and stepped gingerly on the thing before I got in the shower one day.  My weight was up a little bit.  Then a whole bunch of crap must have happened in my head that I’m still trying to figure out.  I ate over my calorie allowance nearly every day after that.  And again with all the weighing.  Cycle cycle cycle.  So the scale gets a new home in my roommate’s bathroom until Wednesday mornings, when it will come back to its home for about two minutes while I jot down the number for my weekly weigh in.

I’m sure my weight was up the first time because of water retention.  I’ve been hitting the gym pretty dang hard, as promised in my October Goals.  My muscles are sore and holding on to anything that might make them feel better.  Going to the gym every day also makes a girl HUNGRY.  Enter the overeating.  My weekend off was also this week and that never fails to mess up any sense of routine I have going.  Imagine if you got a two week vacation every five weeks.  Sounds awesome, right?  Yeah.  But remember how you eat on vacations?  How hard it is to stay on track?  Uh, huh.  I have to find a way to juggle that EVERY OTHER MONTH.  I will find a way, though, I promise.  I need to find that ever elusive balance that people keep talking about.

On a positive note, I have gotten a workout in every day this week!  And I also commented on at least two blogs per day!  Two out of three goals ain’t bad, right?  The scale though…that was supposed to be the easiest one to check off the list and instead it has proven itself to be the most difficult.

So…here’s to a new week!  Back in the routine.  Scale is in a new home until I grow some muscles to resist stepping on the damn thing every hour.  Conscious choices every single time.

Writing this all out has made my head feel better.  I might still need something to settle my stomach, though.

I’ll be back later and post the required BlogapaLOSEa photo.

Thanks for stopping by.


One Response

  1. First of all, long-time reader but first time commenting.

    I’ve been in a funk of my own lately, and reading your blog has motivated me the past few days! Thanks for sharing so openly and candidly, the chuckles I experience while reading are enough to get me off my butt and moving!!!

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