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Don’t Look At Me

I’ve been avoiding you.

This is what happened.  I made a decision not to run a race that I had signed up for MONTHS in advance and therefore had MONTHS to prepare for it.  I didn’t run.  I didn’t show up. 

I was forced to sit up and take notice and WONDER about why I didn’t train.  And I’ve been avoiding you because…I haven’t come up with the answer.  I don’t know why I made those choices. 

Not being able to find the answer lead to frustration.  Not the outward kind that you can name and point at and write down and work through, but the deep hot underbelly flavor of frustration that boils and festers and eventually oozes out of your subconscious and creeps ever so quietly through your blood vessels until every single cell in your body is alive with doubt and anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts that haunt your insides.

On the outside, I was all smiles and high fives.  My stage act was so convincing that even I would forget that I was deeply frustrated with myself.  I would forget about the Choosing Not To Train puzzle until I was at the bottom of a bag of chips or sleeping for thirteen hours.  Then I’d remember…

So then a few weeks go by.  And it’s become obvious that I need to sort some stuff out.  And the most insane part of everything is that I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED TO SORT OUT. 

It started with the not training…but is that really all there is?  Could that really have led to three whole weeks of not just eating but CRAVING with animalistic desires every single thing that is unhealthy and over-processed? 

I’m stuffing something down with food.  I’m trying to shut up some part of me.  Is it really only about trying to understand my motives regarding the race? 

Have you ever seen a cop show on television?  The suspect is taken into a room with a two way mirror and is watched from the other side.  I feel like I’m on both sides of that pane of glass.  One side is me eating and laughing and stuffing myself with sugar and salt and fat.  I look happy.  And on the other side is me yelling and pleading and begging the other me to STOP.  She’s upset and crying because it hurts too much.  She’s pounding on the glass but I can’t hear her over the loud television and the crunching of potato chips. 

All I have to do is break that pane of glass and get ahold of myself.  I just have to figure out how.


3 Responses

  1. This whole thing is so hard, and I don’t know one person who has wholly succeeded the first time, or second time, or third time they’ve tried. We just need to remember that somehow, some time, when it’s right and when we’re truly ready, it will happen. We will make it happen. And until then, until you have your moment, you’ve got me, and everyone else in your real and internet worlds who love you, and root for you, and are there for you.

    Just remember that you are not alone. You are NEVER alone on this journey. I’m always here if you want to talk. 🙂

  2. Anna is exactly right… you can just do what you can do, when you can do it. Make the best choices you can, when you can.

    We’re all here for you. 🙂

  3. First of all, I was beginning to worry about you! I was getting all stalker-ish on your page, hoping you’d post!

    The things that are most destructive to our success are many times hidden concerns or beliefs that are not immediately apparent. We face mental and emotional blocks, even if we don’t know exactly what they ARE. Hang in there, girl! You’re strong! You’re determined! You’re smart! You got this! And you’ve got support – you’re definitely NOT alone!

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