I’m Sorry Now, But I Don’t Know How…To Get It Back To Good

There are so many things that I do not know.  I do not know, for instance, I’ve made a mistake by entering into a relationship that may very well be doomed from the start.  I do not have any idea when the weather is going to get Christmas-like and make me want to walk down the snow-covered streets in my quaint town and browse from shop to shop, sampling free hot chocolates and homemade cookies baked by the shop owners.  (Yes, I live in that kind of town.)

I also do not know if my beloved Mr. Tiggs is going to make to Christmas.  I struggle with this from one moment to the next and work very hard at not crying to people when I talk about it.  I do not know my financial future.  I had a plan, a very solid plan, indeed.  But the course of academics that must be taken will dictate most everything else in my life for the next two years.

I do not know if the ladies at the bank will exchange knowing glances when I breeze through the door or if they will greet me with loud hello’s and high five’s as they presently do.  The Universe hasn’t gotten back to me yet on the status of my car.  Will she make it this next two years?  Can she make it until the end of school?

I do not know where the money will come from, I do not know who will live or die, and I do not know the future.

But I do know this:

After a day of bone scans and x-rays and all things left foot related, I have been freed from that ugly ankle boot.  It has taken it’s restful spot in the back of my closet and I hope not to see him ever again—-well, maybe on moving day.  I’m keeping him because I know me…and I can never know when I’ll be needing his support again someday.

I know that after all of the appointments, and work missed, and low emotional states, and even LOWER paychecks, and the high bills to follow—-I KNOW—-that I’m okay.  I’m totally fine.  I’m functioning!  I can walk on two feet.  I can kick them in the air.  Although I’m not allowed to run on them until mid-January and no long walks until after Christmas.  But I can get to the gym and ride the bikes.

And so I will.  I will ride those bikes and I’ll lift the weights.  Because the weight that was gone came back.  Because I ate and ate and ate until I was sick and tired.  Do you know why?  Of course, you do!  We eat to get to that state because when we are so stuffed to our gills it means that we can’t THINK anymore.  And not thinking is the goal sometimes.

But….now when I have things that I’m not ready to process or think through or deal with, I can take it out on an exercise bike.

I about cried when the doctor lifted all of the restrictions on my physical activity.  And then when I did the math and realized that through the missed work shifts and doctor visits and radiology appointments and nuclear medicine test….This bum foot probably cost  me well over 1, 500 dollars.  So that is still a bit frustrating.

No worries.  I’ll take it out on the bike tomorrow.

I am back.  I can’t promise passion and authority.  But I can promise you a smile here and there, some floundering and frustrations, as well as some opinions that may change the way you look at me.  Basically all the stuff you came here for in the first place.

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2 Responses

  1. Welcome back, dear. We’ll take you any way we can get you. I’m just happy to hear that you’re okay and moving on. Come mid-January, you’ll get back to it full-tilt and you’ll feel so good!

    Money comes and goes. There have been several times in my life when I literally didn’t know where the money was going to come from to pay my bills. You know what? Somehow, some way, they all got paid and everything always worked out.

    It will all work out. My mantra is “Live Life Optimistically”, and it has worked for me so far. 🙂

  2. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. All these setbacks are life’s way of testing you. Take it out on the bike, keep your head up, and power through this You CAN do it!

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