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She Has Trouble Acting Normal When She’s Nervous

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been waking up after three or four hours of sleep and then staying awake.  I mean, I eventually fall asleep again, but unfortunately sleep will find me during a test or in the middle of a conversation with my roommate.  It’s fun.

This morning I woke up around 3AM.  The pattern I’ve established is that I toss and turn while thinking about nine million different things, all seemingly unrelated.  Of course, I know that all things in life are related to the other and stress in one area may very well lead to stress in every other area.  Right?  Or am I just talking crazy because of lack of sufficient REM sleep cycles?  Yeah.  Probably that second one.

November has been an Off The Charts flavor of ridiculous.  I’ve been thinking about what direction this website should be taking.  I started it as a way to chart my progress on living a fit and healthy life.  I know!  I’m gasping and choking back laughter even as I sit here!  Then it sort of morphed into this place to write about the STRUGGLES of trying to live a healthy and fit life in the midst of…well, my unhealthy and lazy lifestyle.  It became a place to celebrate my successes and lament my failures.  But then, dude, the failures TOTALLY started outweighing (pun absolutely intended) the victory stories and then this blog became a virtual version of an oil change.  I just avoided it and ignored it until absolutely necessary.

I thought of ending it all.  Just deleting this blog and turning it into vapor.  It wouldn’t be like quitting, I told myself.  It’s not as if there is anyone out there who REALLY is depending on my words.

Except myself.  Me.  I depend on my words.  I am the one who finds an outlet by writing.  I’m the one who gets a little twitchy and weird and awkward if a few days go by and I haven’t written anything.  The weeks-long gaps in this blog are extremely uncomfortable for me.  Which is odd, because I know that I can make it better, but I choose not to.

If you have a blog, I’m sure you’ve gone through the whole dramatic scene of scrutinizing content and trying like hell to find something worthy of writing about.  I’m sure you’ve struggled with the knowledge that your blog is YOURS and therefore you know that whatever you want to write about is okay.  You’re totally the boss.  But then you start to get a few regular readers and it feels like now, you have an audience and this isn’t just a journal and you have a responsibility to entertain.  Dance, monkey, dance!

And as a blog READER, you know that you’ll keep coming back to blogs you love, not necessarily for the streamlined content and witty ramblings (although that certainly helps), but for the relationship you start to feel with the author.  I read a lot of websites that jump around from topic to topic depending on what the writer’s life is like on any given day.  I go back because I’m curious.  I go back because, frankly, it’s all about me.  I feel better about myself when I read some websites.  There are some blogs that inspire me, make me laugh, make me feel something other than freaked out about school and money…which seem to be my common themes of the last month.

So, if you’re reading my blog for you–awesome and thanks.  If you’re reading my blog because you feel you have some sort of kinship with me–you’re probably right.  We are all much more alike than we realize.  We all want the same things.  Love, friendship, and a sense of belonging.  I hope my voice speaks to you on some level and I hope I either make you laugh or make you think or just manage to take your mind off of the daily grind for a while.  If I don’t do any of those things…then what in the hell are you doing here?  Shoo!  Go find a website that is at least a tiny bit fulfilling!

I’m not going to delete this because I’ve “failed” at the original direction of the blog.  I’m going to keep coming here and writing about what’s going on in my life…for me.  And whatever path the website makes for itself, I’ll just follow along.  It will most likely never fit into a neat category like Mommyblogger or Foodie Blog or Health Blog or Fitness Blog.  I will never have a panel at BlogHer.  And I’m okay with that.  That was never my intention, anyway, but it’s so easy to get sucked up into all of it.

I’m going to keep writing because there are people out there like myself.  People who don’t have a clear-cut path from the current to the future.  There are a lot of us who struggle and plod along, starting new endeavors and then realizing that we’ve changed our mind.  So we stop and take stock and choose a new path.  It looks like we’re quitters.  Maybe we are sometimes, but there are so many other times when we just don’t want to waste our time simply for the sake of finishing.  Showing up for life and finishing what you’ve started is important…so maybe I just tell myself that it’s okay not to because I want to let myself off the hook.

How is it possible to be a perfectionist and a sloth all at once?

I’m in pain.  I can’t sleep.  I am overwhelmed with the facets of life I’ve chosen.  I’ve lost perspective.  Every little thing seems like the end of the world.  Every decision seems to weigh five hundred pounds.

I’m struggling.  With nearly everything.


4 Responses

  1. Never, ever delete your blog without at least telling us where we can find you next! I’m glad you’re not going to delete this one right now, but if, in the future, you decide to…I at least want to make sure I can stay in touch. 🙂

  2. You know, so often I ponder why so many people read my blog – I mean, it’s just me and my silly, non-important life that half the time is way more boring then what is on t.v.

    But everything you said makes so much sense – its the relationships (albeit sometimes imaginary), that I seem to create with the blogs I read that in the end, keep me coming back. I feel like everyone is my friend. I feel like, if I were to visit any random city, I would just jump on-line and find my friend who’s in that town and call them up.

    Including you – I love coming to your blog. Although I agree, sometimes it does feel like “dance, monkey, dance!”

  3. I like REAL blogs, not blogs where people pretend to have everything figured out. Thanks for being real!

  4. Thanks for being 100% real with your readers – you don’t put up this ‘everything is a-ok’ wall, rather you speak the truth, pretty or not. That keeps me coming back for more. Much love, Erin

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