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It Is Okay To Love Her

So often I give people the benefit of the doubt.  I make excuses for their behavior and go easy on them.  This probably doesn’t apply to all the drunk college kids I pick up with the ambulance on the weekends, but in general, I give people a pass.  When they snap at me or seem out of sorts, I think to myself that they must be going through something and I give them a break.

I never do that with you.  I expect one hundred percent from you, one hundred percent of the time.  There is no excuse for laziness or bad choices.  I’m hard on you.  Because I know you’re capable of so much more than you’re letting yourself have.  And frankly, it pisses me off when you sell yourself short.  I know that you can dig deeper and go farther.

Sometimes, I understand your choices.  I get that life is sticky and isn’t without its challenges and that sometimes you just need to sit back and catch your breath.  I’m all for staying fresh and avoiding the roller coaster of stress and mayhem that the daily grind can cause.

It’s when you choose not to start again that really makes me angry.  It’s only when your “break” or “treat” turns into weeks and weeks off course that really hurt my heart.  You are so much better than that.  And I am ALWAYS surprised when it happens.

You’re visibly happier when you’re treating yourself well.  Your insides are working and your head is clear.  Your outlook on the world is damn near chipper.  You’re able to sleep.  You’re actually kind of annoying when you feel healthy and I love that about you.

I love that your laughter is infectious and that, of everyone I know, you tend to giggle at the most socially inappropriate times. I love that you have plans.  For the first time in probably forever, you have a clear goal of what you want and who you want to be.  That’s awesome and exciting!  And I love the drive you’re showing in spite of how absolutely terrified you feel.  The outside world never sees you sweat it.  You exude confidence without being fake.  You admit your fears, but you press on anyway and focus on the positive.  I love that about you.

So, can you understand why I get so upset when you sabotage your authentic self?  That sounds a little too self-help book, I know.  But you are this…this….LIFE FORCE, and you keep squelching it.  You keep tampering it down and I can’t understand why.

Are you afraid of success?  Are you afraid that if you go for it, if you accomplish everything you want, if you wake up one day and find that you’re not wanting for anything…that means you have a lot to lose?  Or will “having it all” mean that you have nothing else to strive for and THAT is what freaks you out?

Let me assure you, there will ALWAYS be something else to shoot for.  There will always be another goal to work towards and another dream on the horizon.  It’s what life is all about.  It’s how you’re supposed to live.  You’re supposed to constantly be looking for ways to improve yourself and the world you live in.  THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT.  So don’t let the fear of reaching a goal scare you.

It’s okay to get what you want.  It’s okay to be blessed.  You deserve it.

Is that it?  You’ve always had trouble with the word “deserve”.  Who are we to say one person is entitled to goodness and another person isn’t?

Know this.  If you work for it, it’s okay that you have it.  If you put in the time and energy needed to reach a goal, CELEBRATE when you get there.  Don’t let the fact that not everyone has the same drive and devotion you do rain on your party.  If everyone else applies themselves, they’ll reach their goals, too.  You can only be held accountable for your actions.  You are only responsible for this one life.  Everything else…everyone else…isn’t in your control.  So don’t hold yourself back because you think others will feel bad in light of your successes.

You have it in you and you know that.  But sometimes I think you consciously try to grow stagnant.  You’ll be on a winning streak and then hit the brakes because you’re starting to feel really good about who you are as a person and you get a little weird when you start actually LIKING yourself.  You’re not used to that.  You’re not used to being comfortable and liking (dare I say loving?) who you are.  You’ve had self-esteem and self-image issues since you were in utero, after all.  So when you find yourself falling in love with someone who you had deemed so unworthy for the whole of your life, it’s bound to throw you for a loop.

But now that I’ve told you all of this…you can’t say that you didn’t know.  You can’t wonder anymore why you wrestle with yourself.  You know now.  You can’t claim ignorance.  Your motives aren’t hidden anymore.  I’ve shined the light on them and now there they are.

So stop it.  Stop the back and forth.

Go ahead and be your own definition of incredible.  It’s okay to feel good about yourself and it’s okay to invest in yourself.  I wish everyone could feel that about themselves.

So go ahead and show them how.


2 Responses

  1. wow, just WOW!

    i miss my friend

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