Snap

Holy Moses…I don’t even know how to begin.  And I hate it when bloggers begin posts like that or even when people being letters like that.  JUST BEGIN.

So February happened…that was a cute slice of reality cut out just for me, I’m guessing.  Did you all have great February’s?  Or did they blow chunks like mine did?

I totally did it to myself, actually.  No use blaming a calendar month for  28 consecutive really bad days.

You see, on paper my schedule was completely doable.  School, homework/study, sleep for five days.  Then work and sleep for three days.  Done.  Of course my subconscious started with a gentle whisper, Um, excuse me…Jen?  You’re putting eight days in a week. How is that possible?

(Okay, I hate reading about people’s busy schedules because we’re ALL overextended and overwhelmed and just have too much to do.  I don’t even have kids.  I don’t even have a spouse to keep happy.  So I REALLY don’t have room to complain or rend my garments in despair.  I know.  But for those logical people out there (do you read this blog?) who want a literal explanation and also to prove to you guys that I’m not exaggerating when I say I was cramming eight days into a week, here goes:)

I work overnight shifts at the hospital on Friday–Sunday.  On Fridays I also had school until around 3pm.  So I raced home, took a nap, and then woke up for work.  I DON’T RECOMMEND EVER DOING THIS.  At least not a whole bunch of times in a row.

After about two weeks of being ignored, my subconscious enlisted my body in the fight to get me to slow down.  Ready for this one?  SHINGLES.  I’ll keep the details to myself but let me just say this; Blistering shingle sores in the groin area are an entirely different flavor of pain than say, a backache.  Yowza.

I chalked it up to bad luck and dealing with the stresses of school.  My subconscious got a little more assertive.  Seriously?  School stress? Have you noticed that not every other classmate of yours is suffering SHINGLES?  Maybe it’s the combination of inelastic,  unholy structure and illogical perfectionism on your part that forced your body to break out in painful welts!

I pressed on.  Accepting nothing less than the highest score on every assignment handed in and every test taken.

Side Note:  I can’t decide if I love this internal drive to succeed or if I hate it.  I can’t figure out why I expect so much out of myself in some areas of life (school, career) and let myself COMPLETELY off the hook in other areas (physical health).  That’s a different post.  Actually, that seems to be the goddamned THEME for this blog.

And after two more weeks of pushing pushing pushing…I cracked.  There was a lot of weeping.  Many nervous conversations with friends and coworkers asking for advice.  (For the record, every last one of them said I needed to give myself a break.  I’m sorry I didn’t listen right away.)  There were literal and figurative headaches.  There were frequent visits by my old friends depression and hopelessness.  It wasn’t good to see them again.  I made a pros and cons list, as I’m apt to do, and decided that I wasn’t SuperGirl, afterall.  Bummer, right?

For the last nine days I have breathed.

I now only work on Saturday nights.  It is a gamble.  I don’t have health insurance and my entire monthly income is HALF of what a single paycheck used to bring in.  I know I’ll be okay, though.  Because at least I can breathe now.  At least I’m not angry all of the time and snapping at people and demanding that the universe fall into place perfectly because I have no time to manipulate my own destiny.  At least I’m happy again.  I’m ME, again.  Upbeat.  Positive.  Cheerful.

I feel like I’ve been gone for months.

So maybe instead of cursing February I should thank it.  I’m thankful for all of those bad days in a row because I learned an important lesson about my limits and my expectations of myself.  I guess I can thank February because I can honestly say I will never ever bring that amount of pain on myself again.

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3 Responses

  1. headaches and anxiety are signs of stress you can ignore. but shingles… you NEED to take it easy! your body is screaming at you! my husband got shingles our last semester of college, it’s not fun and i’m sorry you’re having to deal with that 😦 take it easy, don’t compare yourself to everyone else…. no kids and no husband means nothing when it comes to stress and overworking. do what’s best for you. the money and insurance sucks, but you need to take it easy! and try not to stress about those things!!!

  2. Shingles? YEOWCH! Not having insurance sucks, and not having that extra income sucks, too. But like you said, maybe February was a blessing in disguise. You can be happy, cheerful, fun Jen! 🙂

  3. girl, I’m amazed you hung on as long as you did! I’m glad you’re listening to yourself! hang in there!

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