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I Am Not Zen

I picked this name is a sort of flourish of activity one night at work.  I wanted calm and peaceful.  And it rhymed!  And I sometimes have the sense of humor of a nine year old.

In all seriousness though, I thought “jeniszen” would be a great name, maybe, if I could contort myself into the kind of person that I want to be.  I want to be healthy and fit and go to yoga two nights a week after work.  I want to be calm in the eye of the storm and not get riddled with anxiety or fear.  I wanted to conquer IT.  I wanted to be someone completely different than who I was at the time I chose that website domain name.  JenIsZen was born.

But that isn’t me.  I’m usually quite calm, but I have these moments where…I don’t know…it all comes crashing in.  And I feel like everything is my fault.  Darfur, starving kids, homeless, the energy crisis, the state of our environment…it could all be better if only I COULD BE BETTER.  How grossly self-involved is that?  When I get like that is usually when I’m in some situation where I can’t control things.  The last time it happened, I was in a Waffle House.  (Sorry, Cindy)  It’s not a good color on me.

I wish you could understand how much I HATE this about myself.  Because I used to be much more relaxed in every situation.  I used to be the very essence of “chilled out”.  I used to not care about things in the slightest.   I don’t know where this side of me came from.  And I don’t know if it’s a permanent part of my person.  But I do know that it doesn’t fit, doesn’t feel right, and most definitely prevents me from being “zen”.

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One Response

  1. Very interesting – I blogged for 3 years as “round” but the topic of finding a calmer, saner way to focus on this weight issue was always a major topic for me.

    I weigh the same now as 3 years ago, so it’s not like I’ve been successful (I’m at 189 – a ways to go) but what I’ve found is that the blog has let me check in with this bigger iife goal, even at times when I wasn’t feeling it, even when I’d gained 35 pounds (they’re gone again now).

    A blog might not be for you, or a blog on this topic might not be for you, but for me it’s been helpful.

    … and you’re not alone in having this zen image of herself in the future – that’s my hope too!

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